The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
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If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Perfect
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Pretty much. 🤣
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.