If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
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If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
incredible text to wake up to
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰