I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
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Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.