“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
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dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people