Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
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If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
It’s the weekend y’all
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”