The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Every house has this drawer
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.