If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
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Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.