Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
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If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended