Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
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*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed