A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
You Might Also Like
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Real House Wines.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?