Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
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Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
#inspiration #foodforthought
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Me: ahh that’s right
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Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
This guy’s not having it 😆
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.