I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
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I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
gentlemen, hear me out
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.