I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
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Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”