Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
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Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Lmfao
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?