I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
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my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Growing out my freckles.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid