demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
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Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
*updates tinder bio*
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.