If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
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Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*