Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
You Might Also Like
🤣😂🤣
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I am a gravy boat captain
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.