“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
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Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.