“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
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2023 was just a warmup
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Today’s Times
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
why isn’t he texting back
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.