ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks