If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
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I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.