The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
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HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
How do dragons blow out candles?
new year update: losing everything but weight
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …