“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
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My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
2022: I can fix it
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
when dads have a rap battle
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.