Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
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HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.