If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
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My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT