“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
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When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Said the murderer.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I can’t wait!
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky