[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
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Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup