The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
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[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.