That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
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[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?