[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
You Might Also Like
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Who.
Did.
This?
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”