Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
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My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!