this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
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IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.