Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
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*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
wut hotdog?
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?