ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
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Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Otters drive ottermobiles.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea