Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
You Might Also Like
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky