Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
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Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.