I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
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Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
guys i’ve cracked the code
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.