Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
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My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!