Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
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I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
The Sun
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Got ya covered
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.