has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
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It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Duolingo getting serious.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.