Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
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If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..