As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
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Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
This guy gets it.
#oldknees
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]