You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
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ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?