You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
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Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast