I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.