An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
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I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?