me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
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You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.