They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
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Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”