Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
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Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
the rocks need my help
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
White parent Vs Arab parents
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.